We looked for you on the Ottawa. We spent a whole week there without seeing you. Every time a Pink Whippet, Z, Super EZ, or Project 62 came paddling down the river, we hoped it would be you. The US team trials came and went and still you remained in seclusion, like Bobby Fischer. We watched "Play Daze" and "Playboating with Ken Whiting" over and over, but it wasn't the same. Now, as the World's loom in 2007, we decided that the time has come to draft a letter to you, asking you to leave South America and return to your former glory as Freestyle Champion.
That's right, Ken, we're asking you to make a comeback. A lot has changed since '98--we know. The boats are shorter, the tricks have stupider names, and the Jackson Family were all bitten by radioactive spiders that give them super-human strength and reflexes. It would be a daunting task for anyone. But the simple fact is that the freestyle world is tired of short boats, short paddles, and short people. Its time for a real Canadian man to remind them what they've forgotten.
Its true that you haven't really been on the cutting edge of freestyle for a while. I'm sure that if you wanted to you could have come up with tons of new tricks, and then named them The Gnarltromper or Cosmonaut Escape Pod, but you didn't. Why? The answer is simple. The greatest kayak trick has already been perfected, and its called the cartwheel. Those McNasty Jedi-Flippers won't know what hit them when you show up at the World Cup and unleash 147 clean ends on their ass. Then a split-wheel and 200 on the other side. "I'm not left-handed either"--haha!
Now, we would be loathe to tell you your business, but for this auspicious comeback tour, we would also suggest that you go back to old trusty. No offense to the Wavesport Project, but we think that the time has come to paddle a man's boat, not a boat that looks like a mango mated with a running shoe. That's right, the Z. We believe that only the Z could truly capture the essence of your comeback campaign 2007. Imagine your satisfaction hogging the eddy and beholding the tiny playthings of the other competitors. Your boat would be three times larger than Dane Jackson himself. This will have a profound psychological effect on the other competitors. Furthermore, no other boat is better suited to absolutely destroying every feature on the river with cartwheels so fast it looks like a blue and black buzzsaw is moving upriver.
We can't make this decision for you, no matter how fondly we wish to see you. All we can say is that freestyle kayaking needs you now, Ken, more than ever. We'll print a run of "Whiting in '07" stickers and hope for the best. We know you'll do the right thing.
With great hope,
Elliot and Dan
Ken Whiting: Role Model
